Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference. ~ Virginia Satir ~
It’s been almost 11 months since I went under the knife and the Noggin’ was invaded by a scalpel to either “cure” or lessen the effects of Migraine and Occipital Neuralgia. I probably should have checked in before now, but alas. I wanted a better benchmark as to how surgery has actually gone before posting an update.
After a few months of recovery and taking things slow, I began to creep back into life rather than existing in a plane of pain and suffering.
Am I migraine free? No.
Am I better off than I was at this time last year? YES!
I am down from an average of 25 migraine / occipital neuralgia days a month to around 5 days a month. This month, for a few reasons from weather to overwhelming stress from other issues I am dealing with, I have had a bad migraine spell. It’s on the mend now, but Sunday during the snowstorm, it came barreling in. By Monday it was a full-blown nightmare lasting through Tuesday. It started feeling better yesterday, Wednesday, but I had to leave work a bit early to take some more medicine and get some rest.
Despite that recent migraine spell, I have been doing tons better. I have been able to get back to the gym and have been working out 4-5 days a week. I have been more present at home and have been able to get some things done that I couldn’t have dreamed of having the fortitude to do a year ago. I’m not missing nearly as much work (aside from this week) and have been more productive than in a long time.
The best thing of all is the gift of hope I have received through this. For quite a long time, my world felt dark and this surgery was my last chance as all of the other treatment options had failed. I believed if I could get a 50% reduction in the number of migraines and occipital neuralgia flares, it would be worth the time and cost of surgery. As of today, I have an 80% reduction in attacks and symptoms. 80% is amazing.
I encourage every migraineur to never “settle” for what doctors say can be done. I literally went through the entire migraine pharmaceutical protocol list, OTC’s, Botox, Physical Therapy, Chiropractic, Acupuncture, Acupressure, and so much more. I have walked that walk and today, I’m a much happier person for walking this “new” path.
From the bottom of my heart, a sincere thanks to my family, friends, the staff at UTSW and Dr. Amirlak.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” ~ Charles Dickens ~ “A Tale of Two Cities“
I can’t say that this has been either the best nor the worst of times. There have been a few times I have questioned my sanity, but then I realize this has been an overwhelmingly positive experience, despite a few lows.
This is the second time today I’ve written this post. Initially, I was grumpy about losing the first draft, but as a writer, I have always found edits are an essential part of the process. So, here I am to make my initial post more concise. Heh…
It’s been a month since my head was sliced and diced and things were moved around to make life a little bit easier. The recovery is slow, for sure. However, at a month out, I’m glad I have had the nerve decompression / excision surgery. (Disclaimer: it will be at least the 6-month mark whether or not this will qualify as a success, but I’m thinking positive here. In some patients, it’s about a year. It all depends on what happens when the nerves “wake up.”)
Last week I went back to work about the 3.5 week post-op mark. It may have been a little too soon. I tried to power through the 40 hours, but only made it 39. My boss’s boss told me I could take it easier if I need to and work half days if necessary. It was very sweet of her and I may need to take her up on it. However, I also don’t want anyone to have to pick up my slack. My squad already did that for a few weeks and it’s hard for me to ask them to do any more. They are a great bunch of guys and are truly appreciated.
Fortunately, I’ve managed to figure out a plan for the ice packs at work that make me look like a complete dork, but do the job they are intended for. I don’t think I’m going to share a photograph of that particular look at this time. There’s only so much mocking I can take. LOL!
Of all the plusses… the BIGGEST has been a long prayed for relief of the Occipital Neuralgia / Migraine pain. In the past month, I have had a total of 2.5 days of pain. I haven’t been this “pain free” in years. And I’m still hurting a bit from the surgery, but the surgical pain is NOTHING like the 24/7 agony that drives a person to think about either ramming themselves headfirst into a concrete pillar until they are unconscious or worse. We don’t need to discuss worse. You can imagine.
The second biggest plus has been a reduction in medication. I have tried literally EVERY SINGLE medication for migraines. (Not an exaggeration.) I have even been prescribed off-label meds to try to get the conditions under control. For a year I was even on low doses of morphine which has it’s own side-effects. I plan on writing a post or two about the medication I’m currently weaning off of. I just want to say that evil doesn’t begin to describe it and the black box warning should actually read, “Agent Orange and Thalidomide would be a better option than what you are about to ingest.” Once that medication is done and over with – hopefully later next year, then the process begins for the next one. I’m praying to be as medication free as humanly possible by 2025.
However, even though the financial cost is high, what’s made it worth it is starting to get some semblance of a life back. These conditions rendered me to a level of existence, but not really living. These days, I’m actually looking forward to making plans and being able to DO things. The first thing I’m so excited about is Eldest’s wedding next month. Before surgery, I was afraid I was going to have to go, pretend to have a good time and sit there doped up on medication to make it through. Who wants a life like that? Not me. The timing of this surgery was definitely a God thing.
So anyway, I haven’t wanted to post any pictures until I had a decent benchmark. 30 days seemed to be ideal. (And yes, the birthmark makes things in the later pictures look worse than they are.)
03-30-23 I was Borg. This picture was taken in the recovery room immediately after surgery.
04-30-23. No longer Borg! The “pink” down the middle isn’t just the incision / scar. The color is part of a very large birthmark on the back of my head (about the size of my palm extending to the right.). Fortunately my hair is growing back and covers most of it and eventually the scar too will be covered.
You can actually see where the port wine color of the birthmark.. And the neck incisions on both sides are healing up. Just showing this site because both would be superfluous.
Anyway, all things being equal and knowing what I know now, this was, at least at this point, a surgery worth undergoing. I said from day one that even if it reduces the number of days and the pain 50% it would be worth it. Thus far, it’s exceeded expectations. I pray it continues.
“Jesus, help me to keep my focus on You when the pain, hurt and emotions are overwhelming. There is so much good and so many things to be thankful for. Please strengthen my mind, heart, and body, and if it is Your will, I pray for a full and restorative healing.”
When I’m not feeling overly well, I have several playlists I listen to depending on what I’m doing, experiencing or feeling. I find outside of reading, music is a balm that helps make everything better. Right now, I’m listening to Elton John. I don’t know if that tells you anything or not. However, it’s “that” kind of day. Last night’s pain abated with meds, but returned earlier this morning. Hubs took a look and the Bermuda Triangle of my head is still a little puffy. So once again, I’m laying on an ice pack and I’m trying to distract myself by listening and writing. However, I think a nap is called for. Maybe that will help.
04-22-23 / Saturday 1900 CDT
A nap was definitely in order. The last two days have been pretty rough, but that’s okay. I know to expect ups and downs. The carousel just keeps spinning round and round.
The stomach bug has been hanging on for over a week. Today, I may not have made a good choice to hurry things along. I went out this afternoon on a Starbucks run. I haven’t had a cup of coffee since March 28th and while I love java, it doesn’t necessarily like me. Nor does my body react favorably to a Frappuccino. So what did I do in my infinite wisdom? If you guessed ordered and drank both, you would be correct.
Photo Courtesy: Elgin Akyurt
The lovely cup of java stupidity had it’s intended affect followed up by the Frap which turned my bowels into a tsunami storm surge. I expected this. I was prepared for it. What I was not prepared for was the headache that darned near sent me to the ground in the fetal position while the storm was raging.
Lemme tell ya, I don’t know if this head thing is a headache or a migraine relocated to a different position in my head or what it is. Right now, the entire back side of my head has been hurting. It’s a throbbing that I haven’t experienced in that area of the noggin and I haven’t had a migraine in almost a month. I question if the coffee has lit the fuse on something that could be very bad. Needless to say, I think I’ll be NOT partaking in my favorite beverage again any time soon.
04-23-23 / Sunday at 0400 CDT
Oh for the love of all that is pure and holy… I am 5 days shy of being a month post-op. I was feeling pretty decent until yesterday and then whammo. Literally, I was in the loo having issues and suddenly the entire back of my head experienced what could only be described as a level 12 migraine for a few minutes and then it backed off and is now located toward the end of the incision near the top of my right ear about a level 7. This spot is where I have almost always gotten my migraines. I’m icing it now, but mercy… this hurts. I haven’t had a migraine since surgery and NEVER had anything like this happen.
There’s also a pretty massive weather front that came through which is normally the biggest migraine trigger for me. I’m feeling down because I hurt. It’s the middle of the night. Hubs is dead asleep as are the Grands and my Youngest is at work. (However, she is texting me so there is something positive.) Even the dogs don’t want to commiserate with me.
I took a couple of extra strength Tylenol and I’m hoping that helps. I’m also trying not to cry because if this pounding is actually a migraine, crying will just make things worse. Add to all that I’m supposed to go back to work in a couple of days and well… I’m down.
I know that this surgical recovery takes 6 months to a year, but it was sooooo nice not to have the migraine pain. It’s literally been years without the non-stop pounding and the past three weeks have been life changing in a way that I could actually see who I was and who I could be without the pain.
For ages it seems I have let everyone down many times over and I haven’t had anything resembling a social life in who knows how long. I remember once upon a time having one – being able to go out with friends and family without ever thinking about the cranium hurting or wanting to run headfirst into a wall until I’m unconscious. I don’t ever want to go back to that place, but that place is currently visiting me. I’m scared to be honest.
Photo: Engin Akyurt / Perfect example of either a Pink Floyd song or a wall I would feel like running headlong into. Your choice.
I said that this surgery would be worth it even if it cut down the number of migraine days or the percentage of pain I experience. Maybe this is just “one day” or maybe more. I do know before surgery I was in 24/7 headaches and averaged 20 actual migraine days a month.
Trying to think positive here and maybe this is just a one step forward, one step back kind of thing. Anyway, I thought I would share in case anyone else has experienced this. You are not alone. I’m not alone. We are in this together.
Next week, I go back to work. I’m not quite sure my head is ready for everything, but I need to rejoin the land of the working class. I really miss the camaraderie in my squad as well as the many puzzles I have to piece together to do what I do. I wish I could say this has been an “enjoyable” time off, such as a vacation, but it hasn’t been absolutely horrible like the recovery of a few other surgeries I have undergone.
My head is still numb in parts and there are other parts that have an indescribable pain, especially when bending over trying to pick up something from the floor. My knees prefer a boycott of the action, but I’ve been getting a few “squats” in so I suppose that’s something. As the occipital nerves that have been decompressed and “relocated” reactivate, it’s my understanding that it will be “uncomfortable,” but I don’t know yet if it will actually hurt. Who knows if that makes sense? This surgery doesn’t make sense, yet it does.
The surgeon has recommended physical therapy, but I’m doing the gentle stretches and massage on my head on my own right now. I’m hoping it’s enough to keep the scar tissue at bay as I tend to have hypertrophic scarring. He’s also prescribed a compounded topical medication to help things. It’s supposed to arrive here tomorrow. I’d do a happy dance, but that kind of movement is discouraged.
Hubs says the incisions look good – one is healing particularly well and the others are coming along. Tonight will be a “weekly” picture night so I can see for myself what’s going on. It’s one thing to feel my head ( or not in some places) and to have him tell me so, but it’s another to see it for myself. Unfortunately, the mirror in the bathroom doesn’t work well for such an inspection because I’m horribly nearsighted and can’t get close enough for detail. The pictures allow me to zoom in and critique my cranium’s job of healing. And let’s face it, sometimes we just have to see it for ourselves.
04-19-23 / Wednesday
There are some days I have to wonder about the recovery process. Tonight, I feel like crap, but I’ll get to that.
This morning I felt pretty decent and went for a “slow” walk between 1/2 – 3/4 of a mile. Hubs had our GSD with us and then a couple of strays decided to join the party, so it was definitely a slower pace than my typical walking speed.
The two interlopers on our little walk today. Fortunately my GSD is used to small dogs. And after a friendly introduction, the little black Pug seemed to fall in love with Rory.
And in all this time, I don’t know if I’ve ever introduced you to my pups. We give the dogs “titles’ on their first birthday as their personality has really come through by then. Hubs’ big baby is a German Shepherd Dog (GSD) named Rory the Conniving. (Or just plain Rory.) She’s 8 1/2 years old and has hip dysplasia, but she’s hanging in there. She’s one of the best dogs we have ever had. She’s smart as can be and she knows just how to use her big brown eyes to get Hubs to do anything she wants.
This is my favorite Pic of GSD: Rory the Conniving with me last year. She was snuggling with me during a migraine.
And while I’m at it, I may as well introduce you to the mutt who makes Rory’s life a nightmare, Gigi the Incorrigible. She’s a Heinz-57 of Boxer, Pittie and Lab to the best of our knowledge. Gigi was a birthday gift from Eldest to Youngest and somehow in the mix of things, I became her person. She came by her title honestly. Until the great windstorm this year which demolished the trampoline (which also took out the cable lines in the backyard,) Gigi would do some dog-parkour, rebound off the trampoline over the 4 foot fence and make a run for the border like her tail was on fire. We used to have to tether her when she went out, then we got an e-collar. We haven’t shocked her. The vibrate mode makes her stop and the tones make her return to the back door. However, we haven’t had to use it since the trampoline is no more. (A win for everyone but the Grands.)
I took this the day we got back home from Dallas and she was happy to see me. And yes, this is their normal sleeping arrangement on the bed when I’m resting.
Gigi likes to lay all the way down me and give me hugs however, she didn’t quite get her legs where they were supposed to be and THIS happened and was actually caught on camera.
When they aren’t vying for attention or “arguing” with each other, this is a common sight.
Ok. Back to my regularly scheduled programming… the Noggin’. It hurts. I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s in the area in the “middle” of where all the incisions were made, the Bermuda Triangle of my head. It was / is bad enough I’ve literally been laying in bed for a few hours with ice on it. Despite the ice, Hubs said it “possibly” looked a little swollen, but it’s hard to tell because my hair is staring to grow back in. Additionally, I had to take a pain pill. I hate taking them, but the Tylenol wasn’t working. So it’s been kicking in while I’m working on this, which is not only an update, but a distraction from the pain. I’m truly praying there’s not an infection or something brewing. That’s the last thing I need as I’m scheduled to go back to work in less than a week as all the paperwork is done concerning FMLA and everything else. Sigh….
Anyhoozles… I’m going to call it a night and pray my Noggin’ feels better in the morning. Meds are definitely kicking in. Sweet dreams… ❤ ~Celeste~
Eldest is getting married to a pretty cool guy in two months. They have been engaged for many years and their relationship has survived both living 1700+ miles apart, living together and then some additional separation while he’s an OTR (long distance) semi driver. There are many relationships that can’t handle the separation, but they make it work. He’s from a loving family and his parents are pretty great. I’m very blessed Eldest is becoming part of their clan and her fiance is becoming part of ours.
However, I have a stupid problem. Surgery issues aside, I am trying to find something to wear for the wedding which will be held at Palo Duro Canyon, the second largest canyon in the entire country. It’s one of my favorite places, truth be told. In college, I spent many hours hiking the various trails, riding horses along trails and creek beds and I also spent time with some really great friends there. There’s something special about it that I can’t exactly pinpoint, but it exists. But with the “magic” comes the Texas Panhandle weather. It can be very warm and windy where the Pavilion is located. Ahhh… the joys of Texas. If you have never visited PDC, it really is pretty after some rain. There’s also the musical, appropriately titled “Texas” held in the natural amphitheater of the canyon. People come from all over the world for the experience.
Lighthouse Trail at Palo Duro Canyon
The Mack Dick Pavilion in Palo Duro Canyon after the canyon has received plenty of rain. (Also known as the wedding venue)
Sorry. Once again I totally digressed. Squirrel!
Getting back on track – Finding the “perfect” attire is contingent on a number of factors the least of which is the aforementioned heat and wind. (I don’t want a Marilyn Monroe moment as no one needs to see the extra fluff I carry around.) I also don’t want to “match,” but compliment the wedding party colors. My daughter is wanting a Derby Day kind of feel, but right now, I rather feel like a horse after the race.
Photo: Churchill Downs in Louisville, KY
Fact: I hate dresses. I literally despise them. I’d rather rack up frequent flyer miles to Dante’s 1st level of hell. I’ve worn a few. Literally. A few. I think I can count about 12 from the time I was 15 on. I didn’t even wear a dress to my own wedding. I wore a skirt suit and as hot as it was, shorts and a t-shirt would have done nicely. I honestly don’t even know why I purchase dresses other than jeans aren’t socially acceptable to certain events.
SO…. then the question of the day: Why is it so hard to find something appropriate to wear as the “Mother of the Bride?”
Insert Long-Winded Diatribe Here: UGH…….
Eldest and I went to just two stores one day this week because that’s really all I could handle post-op. I tried on several things. There was one I loved the color of, but it was ill fitting and fated back to the racks. There was a dress that looked like I was wearing a bib. I’m well past the age of wearing a bib. There were other dresses I may have liked, but as I’m fluffy, they were ill-fitting to say the least.
In my internet travels around the world, I have seen more than TWO THOUSAND dresses & “dressy pants suits” in the past few weeks. No. That is not an exaggeration in the slightest. There are some really beautiful dresses and outfits, but none that scream “me” let alone “mother of the bride” or rather “me as a mother of the bride” to me. And those that bear the claim “mother of the bride,” Oy vey. Let me tell you…
I don’t feel any inclination in shoving my extra fluff into body-hugging sausage casing. There’s also no need to let the girls hang out nor let my belly button show. Pleats belong on Catholic School Girl uniforms, certain Kilts or Brittany Spears. I really don’t need a slit in a dress clean up to my hip. Lace. There is so much freaking lace. WHY? It’s often itchy, is easily ripped, and did I mention the “itchy factor?” Velvet / Brocade in June is just untenable. Feathers?!? Oy. Mesh / Tulle is also uncomfortable and I’m definitely not looking for anything that is see-through or that you could use to sift flour. Sequins are probably great for illuminating the runaway for a Boeing 777, (and I actually kind of like them – shocker, I know.) Leather? In June? (Did you ever see that episode of Friends with Ross and the leather pants? That would be me.)
Then there’s the cuts. (I’m not talking steak here, but now that I mention it, a good Ribeye sounds good.) I’m talking about A-line, Mermaid, Ballgown, Sheath, Column, Fit & Flare, Maxi, Mini, Empire, Revel, Wraps, Halters, Tunics, V-Waists, Body-Cons, Peasant, Prairie, Strapless, Two-Piece, Grecian … oh … let’s NOT forget the dress cut wanna-be’s: jumpsuits, your second worst enemy in a bathroom emergency. The first is shape wear often just referred to as Spanx. The less said about that, the better. But if you don’t know what this rather uncomfortable shape wear is, here’s just one of the “samples.”
Assets by Spanx
Finally… the colors and sizes. I was blessed with my mom’s eye for color and my dad’s build. The dresses/outfit’s I’ve deemed tolerable don’t even come close to the colors in Eldest’s wedding and those that do – don’t come in the size I need. (I’m trying to “downsize,” but post op it’s difficult.)
Do you know who is going to stand out like a sore thumb when this is all over?
This girl.
Me.
In short… In a few months, I’ll likely be the girl in the very, very sparkly hot pink dress wearing matching Converse tennis shoes and a feather boa whilest drinking schnapps and wondering just what happened.
Surgery recovery is up and down like a carousel horse spinning in circles, going faster and slower, but always on the same trajectory.
04-09-23: This morning was a brilliant sunrise followed by an isolated thunderstorm. Aside from the fresh smelling air, I didn’t have any expectations of “weather” today as I don’t normally keep up with it. My head, and it’s ever fluctuating barometer, has pretty much always done the work of a meteorologist. So imagine my blurry-eyed surprise when the storm hit and I had NO inclination it was coming. I do NOT remember the last time that happened. Years? Decades? I do not know.
As I hadn’t slept last night due to the insomnia which continues to torment my night time hours, I fell into a deep sleep somewhere around 0900 – 1000 CDT. When I woke up (the first time) I wondered why the house was utterly silent. The family went out to do Easter activities while I snoozed the much needed snooze. A little later on, a second round of storms came through the area. Guess who wasn’t writhing on the floor while praying for the world to stop spinning, the nausea to stop and the jackhammers in her head to stop pounding? Yup. This girl.
Thursday 04-13-23 – Two Weeks & Counting
Two weeks ago today, I had part of my head sliced and diced. While totally nervous about surgery and the immediate aftermath, the adventure continues.
A week or so ago, I made my first foray into town all my by lonesome. I needed to go pick up some meds at the pharmacy which is roughly 30 miles round trip. It wasn’t the easiest experience as turning my head to look around while driving was “strained.” That’s the best word I have for it. It didn’t necessarily hurt, but there was definitely a lack of range of motion. But I made it there alive and back again in one piece so that was an accomplishment.
The first week following surgery, I think I used icepacks almost 24/7. It didn’t matter what I was doing, there was an ice pack nearby if not attached to my head. There was some “obvious” bruising and swelling, which pain meds didn’t really help with due to the nature of the “injury.” You can’t just treat this like a sprained ankle or another surgery, which this is number 9 for me overall so I do have a clue.
Showering was “weird” and a little bit difficult because 1) baby shampoo is made for babies, not grown adults with a LOT of hair and 2) the shower head I prefer has a water pressure that when even on “low” is pretty strong, though not as strong as a Swedish masseuse with man hands strong. A saving grace though has been the hair towel I use because it does NOT cut across any of the incisions where it would be “uncomfortable.” The one I use actually runs higher across the back of my head, but is similar to this one & no I’m not sponsored:
Photo: – Amazon – Hicober Microfiber Hair Towel
This week, I have managed to go out twice! Yesterday, I took Hubs for a colonoscopy. He’s squeaky clean and doesn’t have to go in again for another decade. Woot! (Wait, I’m not sure if you needed to know that, but whatever.)
Today, I went and met Eldest on her lunch break so we could do some searching for a MOB dress for her upcoming nuptials in June. We managed two stores and I tried on 5 of 6 dresses / outfits. I don’t like any of them. (This is going to be another forthcoming post series I have a feeling.) However, when we were done, I was tired. But I had to run two more errands on the way home, from where I’m coming to you now with one of several trusty icepacks, which I think I am naming this one Fred.
HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER, BATMAN!!! My husband just came into the bedroom and told me storms are coming. that’s two different storm days where I haven’t had a clue one that the storm is coming. This storm is an actual squall line, which normally levels me and I only have a mild headache, which I had assumed was from being out and about. (Still could be. IDK)
Sorry… I digressed. But, like… wow.
Anyway, I know there are ups and downs and around and arounds, but week two has been definitely been better than the first week. I don’t use the ice packs as much, hardly use any Tylenol and feel pretty decent. Part of the healing process though is trying to focus more on my diet and nutrition instead of the Jolly Ranchers that are little rectangles of pure sugar enjoyment.
I know that healing from surgery requires better nutrition so for about a week thus far, I’ve started adding a daily smoothie to my healing regimen. These include fresh and / or frozen fruits, ground flax seed, chia seeds, collagen powder and then depending on what the fruits are I’m adding either “Super Reds,” “Super Greens” and / or powdered beets. I’m also researching nutrition concerning a much better diet to promote healing both inside and out.
I’ve also started adding a. few other vitamin supplements to my daily multivitamin and vitamin D. These include:
Magnesium Complex
Omega 3 – Krill Oil (found I tolerate this much better than regular fish oil)
Health by Habit’s “Hair, Skin & Nails” which includes Biotin, Hyaluronic Acid, Rosehip and Vitamin C
Vitamin B Complex – B1, B2, B6, B 12 and Vitamin C
CoQ-10
I know there are a lot of things many migraineurs cannot do, but something that I’ve been able to use (since I found a company whose compounds have never triggered a migraine) are essential oils. I have tried a LOT of oils and lots of different brands. I found one that works for me and I generally have a roller ball in my purse for “smells on the go.” I also have a diffuser going most of the time. It helped some before surgery, but post op, the aromatherapy is a game changer when it comes keeping my anxiety under control. With that “set,” I don’t have the blood pressure spikes causing any additional pain. (Plus the bedroom smells amazeballs.)
Exercise will come back as tolerated. Right now I’m doing okay just trying to get some walking in. I still can’t lift anything above 5 pounds. My purse literally weighed 5.3 earlier today. After removing a few things and a bunch of spare change, it’s under 5. After next Thursday the weight will go to 10 pounds and I can increase my activity as tolerated. Mama didn’t raise a fool. I’m going to keep it slow and steady, but I’ll be working more in the garden we are putting in late so there is that.
Anyway, this is what I know for now. I’m going to put Fred back in the freezer with Ethel, Lucy and Ricky and then eat something for dinner while listening to some mellow music while reading one of the many books. Til next time, friends. Lots of Hope, Peace and Love ❤
Did you every play that “game” “Would You Rather?”
From time to time, I play it in my head and I have one question that I have never been able to answer. If I had to lose either my sight or my hearing, which would I rather lose? I know. It’s a great question. And anyone would say, “Neither.” However, that’s not an option as the question must be answered.
This question popped into my mind while listening to the long, rolling thunder making its way across the Texas plains following on the footsteps of a brilliant red sunrise. A little thunderstorm popped up and as it inched closer to town, the long lead up became a more frequent clamoring, sound and fury, signifying rain. I can feel the storm through the deep, rumbling bellows shaking the house. I can smell the moisture in the air. A single, cold raindrop kissed my hand as the crimson dawn drew her face behind heavy gray skies.
I think the better way to phrase the question is which would be easier to bear? I think we all can agree that either would suck in ways I cannot truly conceive. However, this morning I thought I would give it some extra thought (and still not come up with an answer.)
The sunrise was visually stunning – a scarlet ball coloring the world red just at the horizon. To never see a sunrise, sunset, my Hubs, my children, the grands, the pups, the world ad infinitum, to never read a book (gasp) is rather unthinkable. On the other hand, to never hear the sound of thunder, airplanes flying overhead, the birds, laughter, music (gasp) and more is equally an untenable thought.
I’ve been awake for about 24 hours now and this question is what my sleep-deprived mind is focused on. Right now, my cautious answer is I think it would be easier in the short term to lose my hearing, but long term, to never hear music again, may drive me slightly mad. After some sleep (and after the thunderstorm passes) I may have a different response.
So my question to you: Would you rather lose your sight or your hearing? It’s not an easy one, is it? ~ Celeste
Okay… last long post for a bit, but it’s been a week since I left for Dallas for surgery and I thought I would share the wrap-up from last night’s journal.
First, though I have to say thank you. It’s you fine people with your prayers, thoughts, warm fuzzies and all of that who have made a huge difference over the past week in my universe. It has had far reaching impacts for the better and I’m truly thankful.
Secondly, I got to see the plethora of bluebonnets in bloom. Such a pretty sight and there’s really nothing else like it. The delicate flowers are some of my favorites.
So on to the show…
Surgery Update: Day 5 / 04-04-23
My, oh my. It’s 2157 CDT and I’m done.
It was a very long day. It started around 0300 CDT when I awoke from a drug-induced dead sleep. I attempted to move my head into a position it didn’t wish to go; therefore, I couldn’t get back to sleep and was only able to nap on and off throughout the long day.
I saw Dr. Amirlak this morning after slowly gathering everything we’d (Hubs) moved into the hotel suite in Dallas. I was apparently channelling my inner sloth, but we were not late anywhere. Operating in slow motion is coupled with the “lift restrictions” I have in place. I was told not to lift anything heavier than a jug of milk. I can safely assume my handbag is borderline, but the bag is rather essential to my life and downsizing the weight will have to wait.
Walking you through the major events of my day (with some repetition form the initial post about surgery…) Dr. Amirlak. I truly like the man. He discussed what he did during my surgery. I already read the post-op notes and reviewed the pictures taken during surgery. The lengthy operation was indeed necessary and he described it as “complicated.” I believe this was an accurate and specifically chosen word. I do not believe any amount of medication would have helped my condition (even though I’ve done over 50 combos of meds over the years) due to the facts my greater occipital nerve was being “strangled” by veins and compressed by surrounding fascia and muscle. He set the nerve in a deeper channel and fat from my neck was grafted and set around it as a buffer along with some special nerve protective sheathing. The lesser occipital nerve was similarly done. The 3rd nerves on both sides, which needed to go, are gone. Dr. Amirlak admitted he walked a fine line between the nerve decompression surgery and what a neurosurgeon would do, but I wouldn’t change it. While my head alternates between pain and numb, I can already tell there is a positive difference. There was a lot more I could bore you with, but suffice it to say, I’m feeling “better” tonight. (And my head’s love affair for a good ice pack continues…)
One reason for feeling better is I got the drain out today. I admittedly made a mountain out of a molehill. After snipping the suture holding it in place, it was easily removed. I currently have a hole in the back of my head which will heal in due time. Hubby assured me it’s kinda gross, but getting the drain contraption out of my cranium is already better because I can actually lay down on the ice pack in the way it does the most good.
Dr. Amirlak also discussed the potential scarring. Just for the record, this is surgery #9 and I couldn’t care less about the scars that mark my body. Plus, he’s a plastic surgeon and they already look tons better than most of the others. But I digress…
The other thing that Dr. Amirlak said is I have to do rest, get proper sleep and do the things that I enjoy. I’m also supposed to try to avoid any “trauma” to my head. (He told me about a patient that went to a Bon Jovi concert. The patient was kicked in the head which basically undid everything he did! Like how????) He doesn’t know me that well, but the idea is (at the moment) internally scoff-able. That may be a taller order than the physical recovery from the surgery. I have hurt 24/7 for so long I don’t even really know what I “enjoy” doing as I have done mostly the necessities and not things for “joy” for longer than most humans would appreciate. I’m going to have to have many conversations with myself and God Almighty about letting things go and letting God’s healing hands heal not only my head, but many other parts of life as well.
Another reason for feeling better, though I felt worse most of today, is I’m finally home. Dorothy was indeed correct, “There’s no place like home.” Getting here though, that was an adventure.
The dirt storm we had to drive into…
100 miles from home and visibility stinks
It felt like 1999 & “The Mummy” all over again.
When we left the Metroplex, it was a pretty day, just a little breezy. Nothing major, just “typical” spring-time weather in the Lone Star State. However, we were driving “uphill” home while fighting the wind and blowing dirt. For a bit (around the last 150 miles or so,) the only description of the drive was “fugly.” There were a couple of moments which vaguely reminded me of the sandstorm scenes in “The Mummy” and “Hildago.” Couple the winds with low visibility, construction, bumps in the road and all of that kind of thing, the approximate 6 hour drive was a bit “uncomfortable.”
Now, uncomfortable is a word medical professionals use when trying to hedge what a patient will feel. I generally say it with a ton of snark and sarcasm. The usage this time, for me, is no different. It didn’t hurt as if my head were treated as a midnight snack by Cerberus, but the weight sitting atop my shoulders felt as if professional bowlers were using it in a tournament.
It was so amazing pulling into the driveway, followed by the actual physical struggle against the wind to get into the house. (Yes, I’ve got Bob Seger’s “Against the Wind” playing in the background…)
Not sure who is happier I’m home – me or the pups chillaxing with me.
After warm and happy greetings by the actual dogs with whom I live, I accomplished two things with help from Hubs. Laundry. I have a load in the dryer and one in the washer. I also managed to unpack some other things and put the lighter stuff away. If nothing else, I was somewhat productive today. Yay me? But I also got to see Eldest and her fiancee as well as love on the grands, who are back home after an extended stay with their Auntie.
Anyway, it’s time for bed and meds are kicking in. It’s just a quick update for this saga I’m participating in. I love you all And I do mean that. Lot’s o’ love and deep heart-felt thanks.
As for yesterday… I didn’t wash my hair. It required too much energy. Housekeeping didn’t come. Hubs had to fetch towels and TP from the powers that be downstairs. Storms forecasted for the Metroplex weren’t bad. I could tell the shift of the barometric pressure, but didn’t get a full-blown, knock-me-on-my-ass migraine triggered by the ON nerves which have been decompressed and / or persuaded into a better position or removed entirely.
Also last night (Sunday) the “pain” started kicking in as I think some of the blocks have started wearing off. I can tell where my head has been sliced and diced with something better than Ginsu knives. I will always have my best friends, but right now, ice, in all it’s frozen wonder, is rather at the top of the list of everything I cannot live without.
My accomplishment for the day: I went a little longer without my pain meds this morning because I wanted to take a shower and I didn’t want to be woozy or anything on a slick surface. The hotel has dual shower heads and it was amazing. I mean, this was a real shower with warm water, smells good soap, a razor and baby shampoo. I’m paying for it now and resting with my head on ice, but it is so great to be “clean.”
It’s 1628 CDT and poor Hubs has gone to fetch dinner. I don’t think he ate lunch. He wanted to try and get me out to go eat with some of the cousins who live in the Metroplex, but I can’t hold my head up that long. It feels as though a bowling ball rests on my shoulders. It makes me seriously wonder what the drive home will be like. I have the travel pillow that I’ve been using, but I seriously wonder if a small neck brace would be more beneficial. I’ve read from other surgical patients who when they had to return to work such a brace has helped. I suppose we’ll have to see.
Dinner break. I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I didn’t think I was hungry, but man oh man… Hubs and I just scarfed down an In-N-Out burger and fries and it was so good. Muah! Kisses to the “chef.” This is one of the advantages to coming to the DFW Metroplex.
Yumminess that has to be experienced first-hand…
Tomorrow morning (Tuesday 04-04-23) I’m supposed to get the drain out of my head. I’ve always made jokes about my brain leaking out, but this actually looks like it’s happening. It’s so weird. It’s also a bit gross and it’s warm. It’s fascinating in a medical sense and I can’t help but think of all the things my mother would say about it and also want to know. She was the “Queen” of asking doctors questions about anything medical. She was always watching and learning things via television. Mom was also always trying to find out more about my conditions and continually offered suggestions, even bizarre things, if she thought it was “worth a try.” Admittedly, her help sometimes launched a disagreement about my treatment. She had her own neurological issues so there was commonality there, but oddly, she never really did much research into her own conditions. It’s like she got the diagnoses and gave up the fight, just accepting life was what it was going to be. That’s something that’s hard to understand, but we all have our own ways of approaching the harder things in life.
It should be obvious, but I have thought about her quite a bit as she wasn’t here to ask what she thought about the procedure or the pros/cons. I’ve also had a few flash-backs while doling out my own daily meds and the similarities in how she used to do it with the way I do it is creepy, not in a bad way, but more in a “concerned I have become my mother” kind of way.
Irrespective, the drain is coming out tomorrow come hell or high water. It’s probably going to hurt a bit, but hopefully nothing like the one the doctor pulled from my right knee. He gave me an “extra” hit of morphine before he did it and told me it was going to hurt. He didn’t lie. I’ll remember that particular experience until I die. I think my scream echoing through the hospital still haunts the halls.
I suppose I should put this down and make the valiant effort to get some sleep before what appears to be a very long day tomorrow. Getting up “early”, eating something healthy, the to/from the doctor, driving about 6 hours to home. It will be an interesting test of my spirit, which needs to fight the good fight and win the race. It’s now 2122 CDT and I think a likely stopping point for the day.
Not what you were expecting, eh? Neither was I, nor do I have them. I do however have an itching about the noggin’ that is indescribably weird.
A lot of my head is still very numb and likely will be for some time. However, the parts I actually can feel have me grossly attuned to the fact that the shaved hair is growing out and I just want it to stop. I mean, how do Marines cope with this? And Thank God it’s not 109 in the shade with sweat dripping from the cranium. I can only imagine. On the plus side, I think I’m going to get to wash my hair at some point today. I’d do a Snoopy dance here, but that requires energy I cannot muster.
Pic: Grim1978
I’m also hoping that housekeeping comes through sooner rather than later. (I want a nap and fighting the meds to stay awake for said momentous occasion is hard.) We’ve been tidying the room ourselves, but after more than a few days here, I’d like some fresh towels and TP. Especially the TP. There’s a great many things in life I can do without, but TP is rather an essential. Boy, I wish they would arrive. Maybe a nap is actually in order…
Words are as air… one cannot survive without them.
And I do mean that. Lot’s o’ love and deep heart-felt thanks.
The Air I Breathe / Celeste High 